Academic Structure

THE DEAN

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God 

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD

Leaps short buildings with a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Takes a few steps on water 
Talks with God 

PROFESSOR

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool 
Talks with God if a special request is honored 

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR

Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God 

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR

Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water 

INSTRUCTOR/ POSTDOC

Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails 
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot 

GRADUATE STUDENT

Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls 

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles 
Mumbles to himself 

DEPARTMENT/ GROUP SECRETARY

Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She IS God